Days 18, 19, 20 and 21

First mate joey reporting. Christmas Eve AKA travel day. Not the usual way I'd spend Christmas Eve. I'd usually be seeing my family today and then going out with the girls in Sheffield tonight for our annual piss up. Today this year we had a very early start. We woke up at 5.30, got a taxi to the pier which ended up being on the back of a moped with all our bags! Ahh! Then we got a boat to Surat Thani which couldn't have been smoother (we both slept most of the way). We then got straight on a coach to Phuket. The coach was ready and waiting, and to our amazement what was meant to be a 12-15 hour journey was actually only about 8 or 9 door to door. Score.

We got more and more excited as we drove into Phuket town, as it's completely different to the other islands. It's huge! So it reminded us of our time in Bangkok which we absolutely loved. Instantly we knew we'd have fun here and we were glad we'd be somewhere busy and bustling for Christmas. We arrived at our hostel in Patong at about 3pm. Our room was well nice. After staying in hippy-ish beach bungalows for the past week or so we were ready for 4 solid walls around us and a power shower with hot water, which is what we got - thank god. We even had a fridge and a place to hang a few items of clothing! Sheer luxury.

After unpacking a bit and freshening up, we set off out to explore our surroundings. Tired and hungry, we ended up in KFC - it was so good! We had a look down the famous Bangla Road, where most of the bars are in Patong. It looked mental - like Magaluf on steroids! We'd said we were gonna stay in on Christmas Eve night so we could be fresh for an all day sesh on Christmas Day. So we got some supplies for the night and made our way back to the hostel. Compared to the last place we'd stayed this place was like a five star hotel! So we felt more than comfortable just lazing around, watching TV and vegging out ready for tomorrow.

 Christmas Day. What a strange day! Didn't feel like Christmas at all. We woke up quite early and decided to go out and treat ourselves to Thai massages as a little gift to each other. We leave the hostel and realised it was pissing it down. Both unsure of what to do with ourselves, after a short walk we stopped in the nearest restaurant for a drink to wait for the rain to die down. Aptly, it was a Muslim restaurant opposite a mosque. Christmas Day just got even weirder.

The rain stopped after a while, so our mission continued and we found a place doing massages for 250bht an hour, the equivalent of £5 - mission complete! They were amazing too, definitely one of the best hours of my entire life. We both walked out feeling so relaxed and our moods uplifted - the sun had come out too - time for a beer.

After a beer we headed out for a Thai lunch. We'd decided not to bother trying to track down a Christmas dinner. In 30 degree heat we really didn't deem it appropriate - it's not like we could've laid on the sofa after and watched Christmas films like we usually would, cuddling a box of Roses. Also nothing compares to mums homemade Christmas dinner, and we'd both had one before we came away anyway to compensate, so we weren't too bothered. We also planned to get absolutely leathered, so a big dinner would have been a hindrance to this. After lunch we skyped home, then got ready to go out.

We headed straight to Bangla road where we crawled from one bar to the next. We tried going to see a ping pong show with 'free entry', but when we got in there and looked at the menu the beers were £18!!! And you had to stay and watch about 30 shows. Safe to say we got off (not at the ping pong). Eventually we found ourselves on the buckets - Samsong & Red Bull, and that's when shit got weird. We teamed up with a middle aged Swedish couple and an underage Scottish couple, but through our beer goggles they seemed like the perfect people to spend Christmas Day with!

Things get very blurry from here on but from what we can piece together, eventually me and Shaun decided to leave as we were both too drunk for life, and so got in a tuk tuk which took us to the wrong place. We think we went into a restaurant (at the wrong place) for a pit stop, where there was live music on. I believe, from video evidence, that we had beer in there - oops. Video evidence also shows that we turned the place into a karaoke bar, and that Shaun was the star of the show. Hilarious. God knows how but we made it back to the hostel where I passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow. What a night. Captain Kelly will fill you in on the rest of our time in Phuket.

So I'll pick up from where Joey left off. We get in, her head hits the pillow and she's fast asleep. I on the other hand, was a bit more affected by the redbull – and eager to carry on. She wasn't for waking, and I don't know a single other person in Phuket so my only other option: Skype. The 7 hour time difference worked in my favour here. Whilst I was wanting to carry on drinking at 2am, it was only around 7pm at home and everybody else will still be enjoying their Christmas day. A few good topless chats with friends, with Josephine sporadically waking up to join in every now and then preceded a 2 hour skype with my family. They were sat around the Christmas table, having just finished eating and moving on to drinking. So I sat on the table, drinking with them. It was almost like being at home. It was great.

On to Boxing Day. Having gone to bed at around 6 or 7am, I'm sure you can guess that Boxing Day didn't really amount to much. Josephine was a bit more energetic than I, and plucked up the energy to have a walk down to the beach. Whilst I lay in bed drinking Coca Cola and eating M&M's. Her trip didn't last very long before a thunderstorm appeared out of nowhere, and she returned home, drenched from head to toe. After a while, we went out for some food. The plan was to go and watch the United game in a bar, but the thought of drinking more turned my stomach, so I settled for watching it on laggy internet on my laptop.

The next day, we went down onto Patong Beach, and sunbathed for a couple of hours. This beach is huge, much more like a Spanish beach than any of the Thai beaches we've seen thus far, and it was packed. The sun appeared behind a few clouds every now and then, but it was mostly a bit dull. We found a bar with some wifi, found a really nice looking bar called Iguana Beach Club, that we thought we'd like the look of and jumped in a tuk tuk. We got there, and it was on a seperate bit of beach, really really secluded. There were about 6 or 7 other people there, the bar had some excellent music on and it was a really nice vibe. We lay on some giant bean bags in the sun and treated ourselves to a few San Mig Lights. A few hours passed by, dipping into the sea for a quick cool down and before I realised it, I was as red as a tomato. Tanning isn't really my strong suit. White, whiter and red – my 3 shades, and I'd done really well to avoid the sunburn up until this point, but it got me.

Patong Beach on Phuket is excellent. It's a really nice blend of the hustle and bustle of Bangkok, and the serenity and beauty of the smaller islands. We had a brilliant time here, and although it was a bit strange spending Christmas away from all of our family and friends – I'm glad we spent it here. Ko Phi Phi Don is the next stop on this journey. We've heard great things about it, and we've got one excursion already planned – a day trip to Maya Beach, the setting for the film 'The Beach'. More on that soon.

Days 14, 15, 16 and 17

First mate Joey here. The journey from Koh Samui to Koh Phagnan couldn't have been easier. The sea was a bit rough but still nothing compares to our first high speed catamaran experience. 

The resort we were heading to had arranged a taxi to pick us up from the pier, so thankfully we didn't have to do any flagging down or haggling on prices. The taxis on Koh Samui and Phagnan are called songathews - basically a pick up truck with benches in the back and a metal roof. If your lucky you get ultra violet lights, and the more people that share one journey the cheaper it is. 

We arrived at P & K resort in Haad Salad (the opposite side of the island to Haad Rin where the full moon party is on). We were amazed by the place straight away, it looked like the guys who owned it had built everything themselves out of natural resources. The attention to detail was spectacular, however we couldn't help feeling a bit too far out. After having been quite secluded in Koh Samui we were ready to party in Phagnan, but it seemed we'd picked the wrong place to stay. Haad Salad is beautiful, but boring (to a young couple such as SK and I wanting to see as much of the islands as possible). We decided to have 2 nights there (although we'd paid for 4 - ouch) and then move nearer to the busier parts of the island for our last 2 nights on Koh Phagnan. We found a place for £10 a night on booking.com, bit the bullet and booked to move there in a couple of days. 

The two days and nights we spent at Haad Salad were undoubtedly lovely. The beach there is beautiful, so we did lots of marvelling and wandering. We built a sandcastle, we drank lots of beer and ate some decent Thai food. When the tide goes out the beach bar/restaurants put tables and chairs on the beach, so on our second night we had a candle lit meal down there which was pretty special.

We got chatting to one of the waiters in the beach bar we ate at, after he made us smile by saying 'lovely jubely'. Turned out he was a Burmese migrant who came to Thailand in search of work, which he was desperate for so that he could support his wife and 2 children back home. He told us how he'd learnt English just from reading the dictionary and listening to people speak. His story about how he travelled to Thailand in the back of a truck with about 20 other people opened our eyes to a side of culture that we'd never witnessed before. We see migrants being frowned upon left right and centre but the truth is that some of them actually need to leave their homes and families to find work in order to survive. This waiter had only seen his kids a handful of times since they were born and didn't know when he was going to see them next, but he worked 13 hour days everyday so that he could afford to support his family. He also seemed like the happiest guy in the world, who just wanted to learn and do well for himself and his family. It made us appreciate where we come from and just how lucky we are. It highlighted, again, that most of the local people, in a place where we think everything's dirt cheap, are absolutely murray mint, and we're loving life, galavanting around chinning beers day in day out.

We're definitely adjusting well to island life and the way everything is so relaxed and chilled. There's no pressure to do anything much, which is something I am enjoying a lot, especially as I probably won't get an opportunity to do nothing for 6 months again in a hurry. If ever. And you know what they say... YOLO.

So we enjoyed our time in Haad Salad, but we hardly saw any other people and being at least a 30 minute drive from a Seven Eleven (which are everywhere over here, a bit like Tesco Express in England) was a bit odd, so we we're ready to move on - Ban Tai here we come.

This is the Captain speaking. Our decision was justified. We fretted over whether it would be worth the effort moving from Haad Salad down to Ban Tai quite a bit. We're only in each place for a few days at a time though, and there's a lot to see and do here, so we didn't want to walk away with any regrets, and this is a decision we definitely didn't!

The move was fairly straight forward, 20 minutes in a songathew to the new place, Cocoa Gardens in Ban Tai. The price of the new bungalow was £20 for 2 nights for the both of us. Pretty damn cheap, and the bungalow itself was nothing to write home about. No luxuries at all, and a rock hard bed that had a huge hole on one side of it. The location was perfect though, it was so close to Haad Rin where all the nightlife is, right by the pier for when we were leaving and to top it off, the resort overlooked the beach.

On the first night here we went in to Haad Rin for a pizza and some drinks. We'd heard of a great Italian/Pizza restaurant down there called Monnalisa and fancied a pizza after a few days of Thai food. The pizza was perfect, but unfortunately Haad Rin was a bit quiet, with not much going on. Plenty of bars to choose from, but none of them were really busy. No problem though, we wanted some choice – and we got it. We had a few drinks around there then as we were walking to get a songathew back, found a woman selling the infamous 'buckets' for 200 baht. That's £4 give or take a few pence. We chose one (apple vodka, red bull and lime soda) and it was delightful. The red bull over here is as potent as they say – it's like a syrup! So we had almost finished it by the time we got to a taxi stand but we weren't ready for it to be over. We decided to get some booze from the shop and go back to the balcony of our bungalow. Hong Thong (snide whiskey), diet coke, red bull and strawberry flavoured fanta. Sounds disgusting doesn't it? Well it wasn't – it was actually really really nice. Plus it cost 250 baht for two bucket loads of it. The drinks flowed and we stumbled to bed barely able to walk straight.

The next morning came quite unsurprisingly with a pair of huge hangovers. So we pottered around the resort for a few hours, enjoyed the beach and the bar (soft drinks only – we decided to have an alcohol free day for the first time in Thailand) before heading out in the evening to Thongsala night food market. It's literally three rows of street food vendors selling a wide variety of different cuisines. Seeing as I didn't have one last night, a kebab was on my mind – what better way to cure a hangover? Josephine went for some fresh spring rolls and a Thai green curry and we shared a stick of home made crisps. The guy literally spirals a potato around a stick, chucks a bit of batter on it then deep fries it in front of you. Excellent. The food was great, and we decided we'd walk it off for 20 minutes back to our resort. On the way we stopped at a bar for a San Miguel Light – the no alcohol rule didn't last very long. Then off to bed for an early night. Gotta be up at 5:30am to get ready for our next trip. Phuket for Christmas.

Days 10, 11, 12 and 13

We're currently sat on the pier at Koh Tao waiting for the boat to arrive. It's 11am on Wednesday morning and we've been told it's about half an hour away. It should have departed at 10am. The taxi driver on the way here laughed about the 'big waves' in the sea today. Can't wait.

Yesterday was a great day though, it was our final day on Turtle Island so we decided to enjoy the beach some more before heading off. It was probably the hottest and sunniest day we've had so far on this trip, so a couple of hours sunbathing was perfect.

The rest of the day didn't really amount to much, we just had a couple of drinks in some of the local bars, and took a fifteen minute walk upto the pier area for a bite to eat. Bed before 10pm again, doing a lot of nothing really takes it's toll on you.



Back to the pier: the boat finally arrived, and despite the choppy waves, the journey was actually quite pleasant. We arrived at koh phangan and stopped for a quick bite to eat whilst we waited for the second boat on to koh Samui, another journey that went without a hitch. We experienced some more Thai generosity when one of the staff on koh phagnan pier told us we'd be stopping at a different part of the island, he then called our hotel to re-arrange the shuttle transfer. The people here in general seem so much more helpful than at home.

We got to the hotel fairly late, and had a quick look around before going out for some food. Josephine tried shark meat which she said was actually her favourite meal so far. After dinner we went back up the mountain to our lodge, and had a party for two until the early hours.

Koh Samui was a very chilled out part of our adventure, and the next day we stayed in the resort mainly due to bad weather, hangovers and finally high quality wifi good enough to catch up on some TV! That night we had a meal in the local restaurant - which was the most expensive meal so far, but it was worth it. The food was delightful, and it was almost a fine dining experience all for £40 for three courses and an two drinks each.


The weather picked up for the last full day here so we went down to Lamai Beach. A few stops for drinks in the beach bars and a walk along the front preceded a lovely BBQ style meal and drinks in Bikini Bar. A slight mishap (the driver of our 'free shuttle bus service' falling asleep instead of picking us up) meant we had to stick around for a couple of hours later than planned, and then eventually get a taxi back, but a midnight swim and drink in the pool washed away the disappointments.

So Koh Samui was quite an uneventful few days, but it was a very relaxing time and we're glad we had it. Tomorrow we head back to Koh Phagnan for the final island in the Gulf of Thailand before heading across the country to the Andaman coast, starting with Christmas in Phuket.

Day 9

Disaster. Well, not really – just a small disappointment. We rented the moped, but I just didn't feel comfortable on it – whether riding it myself, or as pillion. A bit of background story as to why; I had quite a serious road accident whilst on bicycle when I was young, and it took me quite a while to feel comfortable on a bike afterwards, but even then I was never fully assured. Growing up, most kids ride bikes daily, and it becomes like a second nature to them – and whilst I still had bikes, I was no Lance Armstrong. So my relationship with two wheeled transport has never been a strong one, ironic considering part of my parents inspiration for my naming came from highly successful 1980's Irish road cyclist Sean Kelly.

Anyway, Josephine on the other hand was far more comfortable riding around so we kept the rental (only 250 baht anyway, so really cheap) and after a light lunch we parted ways so she could explore a different part of the island. I ventured back towards our bungalow, and sat on the beach catching up on some news and reading whilst taking in the paradise feel of the place. Everything here is very slow paced, and relaxing. Something we've definitely enjoyed. I'll pass on to the first mate now to describe her day, and our evening.

Sob story alert (haha). So it was a shame that we couldn't explore together, but after a few hours of exploring I realised that one moped between two probably wouldn't have worked out very safely considering some of the terrain round here. It's quite a hilly little island, and getting to the stunning beaches that the island is famous for, involves journeying up and down narrow single lane tracks (some dirt tracks, some tarmacked). I stumbled across Sai Daeng Beach which was hands down the most amazing beach I've ever been to – that's me being used to condom laden Magaluf beach and pebbly Worthing as a child, but seriously, this place features crystal clear waters, white sands and washed up coral decorating the shore. I sat and took it all in for an hour, before heading back to the moped, wondering whether or not it would make it up the hill I had to brake constantly down on the way to the bay.

I intended to visit another beach, Sai Nuan, however my journey didn't quite go to plan. After taking what I can only imagine was a wrong turn, or a turn which took me along a track which eventually became too much for my little moped to handle, I ended up on a stony, sandy track which took my wheels from under me. Don't worry - I'm still in one piece (the bike was pretty much at a stand still), and I came out without a scratch. The bike however, had a small scratch on the front mud-flap which the guy we hired it from had kindly informed us was brand new at the beginning of the day – shit. So I made my way back to the bungalow with my tail between my legs (again, no need to worry, I've not become a ladyboy) to tell Shaun that I'd ****ed it. We plucked up the courage to return the bike with the plan to play dumb – our plan failed, and we had to pay a whopping £40 fine. Not ideal, but the most money we've spent on any one thing since we arrived in Thailand. Not sure if we'll be hiring any more mopeds.

We'd read some amazing reviews of a Thai food restaurant called Lanta on Trip Advisor, so decided to venture there for tea. It turned out to be one of the nicest meals we've had since we've been away, and we were once again astounded by the efficiency of the whole operation. Our delicious food (one starter and three mains) was delivered to us in minutes, and only cost us the equivalent of £9. The portions were also large in comparison to many of the Thai meals we've had so far, so with our British sized stomachs gradually shrinking, we were stuffed and had to take a long walk home. We stopped off for a drink in our favourite fire breathing bar, before getting another early night. Beach life really takes it out of you.

Day 8

Today we decided to relax. That's what the beach is about, right? Bangkok is one of the busiest cities we've ever seen. Everything is moving at a hundred miles an hour, so the contrast is huge. We'd done a little exploring yesterday so figured we'd go a bit further and see some more of the Sairee Beach strip.

TripAdvisor has been our friend so far this week, providing some excellent recommendations of hotels, sights and restaurants. We found a little cafe that came highly recommended for breakfast called Zest Cafe and as we have no breakfast included at this hotel - what better way to start the exploration than walk to the other end of the strip for a full English? I had my first real sausage (other than the ladyboys) in over a week and it was glorious! Josephine went for a lighter spinach omelette.

After breakfast we walked the length of the beach, and up to the pier we arrived on yesterday. Stopping for a late afternoon snack of a Nutella and fresh coconut pancake that was delightful, and only cost the equivalent of 70p. I paid close to a fiver at the Christmas markets less than two weeks ago for a lesser pancake.

On the way home we stopped off got a Thai massage. It's 300 baht for an hour, or 200 for half an hour. We thought we'd ease ourselves in with half an hour, and the minute it was over we regretted our choice. They bent us and rubbed us in ways we've never felt before! At £6 an hour, we'll definitely be making a habit of them. Afterwards they brought us a little cup of lemon and ginger tea. Not the happy ending I had in mind, but nice nonetheless.

Big game tonight. United versus Liverpool and although it was an early afternoon kick off at home, with the time difference it was 8.30pm here. Plenty of time for some pre drinks. A few online searches for 'best sports bar Koh Tao' and the like lead us to choppers bar. They should rename it whoppers bar. The bar tender was really rude and ignorant. I mistakenly walked off without my change, and rather than let me know, he just held on to it. When I went back and asked him for it he actually looked a bit disappointed. I think he was American, which was a bit shocking really - I had expected the locals to be keen on ripping off the 'farangs'.

Needless to say we moved on, found a more relaxed bar and sat watching a fire show on the beach before the match. A 3-0 win for united and countless £1 beers made us both very merry indeed, and we briefly met a couple of Swedish dive pros (Caesar & Felix) before leaving for a burger on the way home. An excellent end to a very relaxing day. Tomorrow we're gonna rent a moped...

Day 7

FMJ (first mate Joey) here. Arrived in Koh Tao 9am.

Captain Kelly really lost his sea legs after the treacherous catamaran journey over here, so had to hit the deck for a few hours. I, excited to feel some sand in between my toes, went out to explore. We're staying on Sairee beach, the busiest part of this sleepy little island. First impressions of our accommodation weren’t that good – no fridge or TV (what we'd been used to in Bangkok), but after having a couple of hours to adjust to beach life, we realised that a shabby chic little bungalow is exactly what you want here, and we couldn't have asked for a more convenient home whilst on the island. Our resort is right on the beach, has an excellent bar/restaurant with a terrace that overlooks the sea and the most helpful and polite staff you could imagine.

First off I wanted to see what Sairee Beach had to offer, so went for a little wander. There's basically a street that runs parallel to the beach, with bars, restaurants, shops and moped rental places every 10 metres. There are also a lot of nice looking resorts and beach bungalows dotted between here and there. Koh Tao feels like a million miles away from Bangkok – there are few cars, and you can ride around the island on a moped in a couple of hours. You have to take your shoes off before going into any bars or shops here too, which is actually extraordinarily liberating. After our sickly journey to Koh Tao, and once SK had got his head down for a couple of hours, we needed to refuel, so thought a simple pizza, chips and salad meal would sort us out and set us up for the day. We were sightly wrong. Funnily enough it seems not all Thai establishments are that great at cooking Italian food. Our bad - we'll stick to Pad Thai and Mussaman chicken from now on.

After food we did some more exploring, and spotted a couple of nice looking bars and restaurants we plan to frequent during our time here. The weather is a lot cooler here, but the sun was still shining on day 1, so I was finally able to get my tan on. After a few hours of lazing around, swimming and tanning we got ready and headed back to to the bungalow to get ready to go out for a few beers and some food. We didn't go very far from the resort on our first night, just to a place a few doors down where happy hour is from 4-9pm – the happiest of hours if you ask me! Most of the bars have decent happy hours here it seems; I mean, who's happy between 12-1pm, apart from bar owners who know no one is able to enjoy their craftily timed drinks offers.

After a few £1 Chang's we had some lovely Thai food. We're both learning to love the culinary ways of Thailand. The authentic food is so fresh and flavoursome, nothing is wasted here and nothing is taken for granted. By 9pm we were both shattered, so headed back to our bungalow for an early night. Rock and roll or what.  

Day 6

Travel day. Upto now, we've basically just had a weeks holiday in Bangkok. We've not done any 'travelling' other than the initial flight out here, and we've not had to re-pack our lives up into a few bags, but today was that day. We had to check out of the hotel by 1pm, but our 14 hour journey from Bangkok to Koh Tao didn't start until 7.30pm, so we had a fair bit of time to kill. The hotel in Bangkok were kind enough to let us leave our bags with them for the day so we could have a wander without the burden, and whilst we're on the subject – The Mermaid Hotel on Sukhumvit Soi 29 is an excellent hotel, and our stay there was perfect – I would highly recommend them to anybody visiting Bangkok. Before we continue I just want to note that Josephine wrote yesterdays blog, but she's had a huge input throughout – and will continue to write chapters, along with helping to edit mine.

Now as you all know, I'm not one for moaning. However, after my first experience of travel day, I think it might become my moaning day. The day started well, as we packed everything up in the room, got clean and ate breakfast before going out to visit a Tesco Lotus 'hypermarket'. Pretty impressive variation on the Tesco we're more familiar with, and it was absolutely huge. We took the BTS sky train one final time back from Tesco to Nana Plaza, the scene of the ladyboy escapades from last night, and had a quick look around the bars on Soi 11 before bidding farewell to Bangkok. At this point, Josephine dropped a coin on the floor before stomping on it to stop it in it's tracks. A huge no-no in Thailand. They love their king, and I mean LOVE their king, so standing on anything that has his face on it is a huge sign of disrespect over here. Luckily nobody saw and we survived.

Then it hit me. Waking up at 6.30am, and walking around all day in extreme heat had tired me out a bit. But I had a 10 hour night coach to catch, so I'd be able to sleep through that, right? Well, yes actually. I'd moaned all afternoon about how I was dreading this coach trip, but when we got there, we managed to bag the front seats on the top deck, and had about 2 metres of leg room so I fully stretched out and slept for a solid 5-6 hours. The coach was excellent. Comfy seats, air conditioning and very modern. Not the rickety old bus I was half expecting. We arrived at Chumporn at 5am, and our high speed catamaran to Koh Tao was due to depart at 7.30am. It was fine tho, we just sat around and enjoyed the experience of it all. Basking in how successful the coach trip was, and how travel day was actually not that bad!

The catamaran was a different story altogether though. As we boarded and prepared to set off, the weather wasn't excellent, and the water a touch choppy. No biggie though. Not for Captain Kelly. I was wrong, and the waves were horrendous. There were about 100 people on that catamaran, and one by one you could see them dropping like flies, head first into a little black plastic sick bag. I lasted until about 30 minutes in, when the sounds of those around me heaving finally tipped me over the edge. Josephine stuck it out longer though, and only caved with about 40 minutes left of the 2 hour journey. So I spent an hour and a half of my first nautical experience in Thailand, with my head buried in a little sick bag, like a shire horse at lunch time. Worst. Captain. Ever. We arrived safely though, and we'll let you know exactly how Koh Tao is over the next couple of days, before we get the next boat on to Koh Samui. Gulp.

Day 5

Ahoy there. Captain Kelly's having a day off so I, first mate Joey am taking hold of the helm for now.

I'm afraid this chapter does contain scenes of animal cruelty, so be warned.

Today we visited what boasts to be the worlds largest crocodile farm, with over 100,000 crocs. This farm professes to have opened in 1950 to help preserve and protect endangered crocodiles. There are other animals to see as well, bears, tigers, elephants and more. You can feed them for 20baht (40p) - so this sounds like a fun day out, especially after our amazing trip yesterday. Sadly we couldn't have been more wrong, and I don't think anything could have prepared us for what we were about to see.

As soon as we arrive we realise that this place isn't quite right (compared to our British standards anyway). It's decaying, smelly, dirty and pretty much deserted. The first animals we saw were babies - chimps dressed in kids clothes and baby tigers too (not dressed up - damn). All in small cages, either going stir crazy or sitting lifelessly. There's also an adult tiger chained up, looking docile and dehydrated. All of these animals you can have your photo taken with for a small price.

We continued further into the zoo. We saw ponies, goats, deer, gazelle, peacocks, eagles, ostriches, and more - all in ridiculously small enclosures with no visible food or water. It seems the only way the animals get fed is if customers feed them... But there are no customers.


The saddest for me was an orangutan, in a cage on his own, his fur all matted and dreadlocked. This supposedly vibrant and wonderful breed of animal looked absolutely demoralised and lifeless. We bought some bananas to give him, but when we threw them into the enclosure he just stared at us helplessly, not even taking the food. After years of being teased by people he's clearly had enough.

The most shocking was probably the hippos in the smallest, shallowest and dirtiest water, and the bears laying lifelessly in the small bit of shade they had in their enclosure. Then the elephants chained up swaying side to side monotonously after years of performing shows and tricks.


None of the animals we walked past so much as stirred from their dehydrated states - by this point we're speechless. The crocodile pond was an absolute disgrace. The water was thick and green and stagnant. The crocodiles skin was green where they'd been in the dirty water. We bought a piece of meat to feed a crocodile, he couldn't be arsed to eat it either.

I know this is all pretty grim, but once we'd left and we're journeying back into the city, contemplating what we'd just seen, racking our brains as to how we could save them all (win the lottery/get a well good lawyer/start up a charity etc) we realised that as wrong as the animals conditions are, we've never witnessed any kind of third world or poverty before, and that this kinda stuff is happening all over the world, but we're all largely oblivious to it, choose to ignore it, and/or can't do anything to stop it. This probably isn't that unusual in Asia, and we're appalled by it because we have the ability to provide environments like Chester Zoo and Knowsley safari park. Because so many people haven't got a pot to piss in out here, innocent animals such as these consequently suffer.

The crocodile farm (or should I say animal graveyard) is stuck in a time warp - I doubt it's been updated for decades, and it probably won't be which is the hardest thing to accept.
This kinda stuff is all part of our journey and what we signed up for I guess.


To cheer ourselves up we went for a wander around a snide market selling overpriced fake goods, and made plans to go out with Johnny, Ryan and Pollit for a few drinks as it was our last night in Bangkok.
We met up, had a few San Mig Light's and then once we were sufficiently oiled, headed to Nana Plaza aka ladyboy town. We'd not yet seen any legit ladyboys, and there's no way we we're gonna leave Bangkok without seeing a bird with a cock. I can only describe it as confusing - beautiful face (some, not all), nice big/fake tits, bangin body (some even have hips - real or fake) but then a bulge in their bikini bottoms. Angin.

Our eyes have certainly been opened up these past few days - from ladyboys to dying animals, fermented oysters to a lovely meal for 2 costing £2, Bangkok is the most extraordinary and amazing place we've ever witnessed - and this is only the beginning!

Days 3 and 4

So you may have noticed that I skipped a day when writing this. That's simply because we actually pretty much skipped a full day ourselves anyway. Tuesday was spent mostly in bed, both of us sleeping in until 3pm. The highlights of the day being a Big Mac meal each, and a visit to Terminal 21 shopping centre to test the exquisite toilets. It is my intention to write this blog as often as possible, and to provide full updates on how this trip goes, but I won't bore you with a few inches of nonsense on days where little happens.

In stark contrast to Tuesday, Wednesday was probably one of the best days we're going to experience on this trip. For my birthday this year, Josephine and my friends bought me an elephant riding experience with Bangkok Day Tours. The trip was a full day set out, beginning with a drive to the floating markets of Bangkok, then on to the bridge on the the river Kwai, before finally going to the elephant camp to ride an elephant, and play with one in the river.

Probably because we slept all day on Tuesday, we couldn't actually get any sleep on Tuesday night, so we watched a film instead, before finally going down for breakfast half an hour early at 6.30am. The hotel staff were extremely accommodating and swiftly set up the breakfast selection early just for us. More and more I'm noticing this in Thailand. The sign may say open from 7, but if you get there early and you need something before then – they'll help you. Anyway, Mr Somchai our personal driver for the day arrived early, and waited in the lobby for us to finish our breakfast, before setting off for the first leg of our trip – the floating markets.

This market was unreal. It made the the old Grey Mare Lane market in Manchester look like the Trafford Centre in terms of cleanliness, but you could buy almost anything there. You get on a little narrow boat, with a guy paddling you around the market for half an hour whilst you say no to literally every vendor there. They try to force bags of saffron, magnets and wine bottle holders into your hand, and hold on to the boat as you pass so you can't get away. It's an experience bartering with them to bring the prices of things down though, and it's worth buying a few things just for this.

So when we left we drove to pick up our tour guide for the bridge, and the elephants. A local woman girl called Na who spoke excellent English and gave us plenty of history of the area along the way. She also took a million photos of us, and made us get into some snide positions for them, but it's all part of the fun. When we got to the bridge, we walked across it, and saw a piece of history that was immortalised by the Alec Guiness film of the late 50s which is still in use today. A train actually crossed the bridge just after we got off it. It's estimated that upto 113,000 people died during the construction of the Siamese-Burmese rail connection which includes this bridge. 13,000 of which were Western prisoners of war, and the remainder being made up of forced labour from Malaysia and the Dutch East Indies. It's quite a sombre part of the day, but something I'm glad we could experience.

Then on to the Elephants. The main attraction. Let me just start out by saying that I'm no Captain Planet. I'm the kinda guy that leaves the tap on whilst I brush my teeth, and the lights on when I leave a room. I'm not saving the world, and I'm not really one for worrying too much about these things, but being with these animals made me think a little bit about it. These are wild animals that have been trained to perform a certain way for humans. There's probably an element of cruelty to their training, but there's also a lot of respect and caring given to them by the trainers. We got to ride an elephant each into the river, where they threw us around and squirted us with water as we bathed them. Then we got to share a ride around the camp and briefly into the jungle. It's an experience I'll never forget, and one that will probably be one of the highlights of this trip.

The journey back to Bangkok was just over 3 hours long, and we slept most of the way. Na woke us up to say goodbye as we dropped her off, but she was furious when we only tipped her 120 baht. She didn't even say thank you. Once back, we washed and changed and went out for a nice curry and a few drinks around Soi 11 before Skyping our mothers and bed with a bottle of chocolate milk. Tomorrow we get to go and feed crocodiles and go to one of the biggest knock off markets in the world. Excellent.

Day 2

Have you ever woken up in a wet bed? It's the worst. We awoke with no recollection of how the night before had ended, or why the bed was soaking. Which one of us pissed the bed? You tell me. All I know is that one of us has done something that we haven't done since infancy. After an eventful start to the day, we sampled the hotel breakfast – a western style eggs on toast – and spent an hour by the pool. The hangover hadn't quite set in yet, so we thought it wise to get a public bus to The Temple of Dawn and do a bit of sightseeing. The bus journey to the temple enabled us to see large parts of the city, and witness the culture first hand. We saw Lamborghini’s, we saw children begging. The scale of wealth across Bangkok is huge, but the culture of happiness and generosity equals that. On the bus, we were struggling to find the right stop to get off, and a passenger not only told us where to get off, but hailed us a taxi and gave the driver instructions before holding the door open for us. I've never seen a Brit doing something like that for a tourist back home.

After an hour of wandering around the holy site, we got a taxi back to Sukhumvit to sample our first bit of Thai street food, then back on to the hotel for a siesta at around 2pm. Early afternoon naps may just become a habit, as we get used to the difference in temperature and humidity on this side of the globe. The plan was to go out with Jonny again, and meet up with Ryan – another friend who has made a life for himself out in Bangkok. So at around 7pm we had revitalised ourselves and were ready to leave. We took the sky train a few stops then got on the back of some more mopeds to Jonny's flat, before heading out for some drinks to start the night. Jonny took us to his local bar, Bangkok Dry where we had some pizza and beers before setting off to meet up with Ryan. Then they took us to a bar on the rooftop of the Marriott hotel called Octave up on the 48^th floor, the view across Bangkok was stunning.

The night had originally been intended to just be a few drinks and quite a quiet one, but things soon escalated. A combination of beer and vodka lead to mad Tuk Tuk dashes across the city to find more bars open as it got later and later. We eventually ended up in one of the seediest little back alleys we've seen. But it was just around the corner from our hotel, and it was open late. Very late. We finally made our way back to the hotel at around 4am where we hoped there'd be no little accidents through the night...

Day 1

Goodbye!

Today was the strangest day of my life so far. Sheer joy and excitement at the adventure ahead offset by the sadness of all that I'm leaving behind. The journey to the airport was a solemn one contemplating the farewell's, but as goodbye's go it was pleasant – minimal sadness. The flight with Qatar Airways was probably the best I've ever had, countless films, tv programmes and free drinks.. LOTS of free drinks. Swapping at Doha couldn't have been easier, and the second flight into Bangkok literally just flew by. That's when the realisation of what Josephine and I are doing finally set in. Landing in Bangkok, going through immigration, and boarding the sky train to the wrong station. Easily rectified by a 20 minute taxi journey that cost 75 Thai Baht – the Equivalent of £1.50. All that travelling really takes it out of you – a lot more than you think it would, but when we arrived at the hotel the climax was definitely worth it! All the plans to explore and go straight out were dropped, as we collapsed on (the most comfortable) bed and spent the first 5 hours of our time in Bangkok asleep.

 When we woke up, we got straight to it and went out to find a shop for some supplies. It wasn't far to look, and they've even got Boots' here, and they're everywhere. Authentic. We had planned to go for a few drinks and some food – then Jonny arrived. Not seen this guy for months, and to finally be back together was brilliant. No way we were wasting valuable drinking time with food! The first few bars were quite relaxed, but the journey there – on the back of a moped was something a bit different – felt like I was in GTA. Then we went a bit crazy, and went to our first go go bar. Lets just say the staff at this place were not shy! Got a few pictures, but then got in trouble for having our camera out and they deleted them all. Wounded.

Flying through Bangkok on mopeds

Reunited at last!

Then we went on a bit of a bar crawl, ending up in a club in a multi storey car park with a Thai band covering all the chart toppers. At around midnight, Bangkok had finally written us off, and we had to go home. Our first 24 hours in Thailand couldn't have gone better though, and if this journey carries on like this – I can only imagine how good it's

going to be. So that's all for day 1. This log is designed to be my personal thoughts and experiences, I hope you'll enjoy reading it over the coming months and it's my plan to write in this as frequently as possible, depending on how drunk I am. I'll keep you all updated with how this adventure pans out, but until next time, Captain Kelly signing out.